You don’t have to turn your life into a never-ending defense of yourself. You don’t have to answer every sneer, refute every assumption, or convince everyone who you are. People who want to know you will also see your actions. They will ask you questions and let you finish a sentence.
There are arguments that end in five minutes, but stay in your head all day. You go back over every word, think about what you should have said, construct other responses. Meanwhile, the person you bumped into goes about their day. You continue to argue with them, even though they’re no longer there.
So before you enter into an argument, it’s worth asking yourself: are you dealing with someone who wants to understand you? Or are you talking to someone who “can’t hear you out of that ear.” Not everyone enters a conversation with a willingness to listen. Some just wait their turn to speak. Others seek to embarrass you, to bring you out of yourself, to gain the approval of those watching. For them, every explanation is an opportunity to seize a word and use it against you. You try to clarify what you said, they judge you for what they claim you meant to say. You bring up a fact, they change the subject. You remain calm, they raise their voice, until you too lose your temper. Then, the entire conversation is reduced to how you reacted.
Wisdom is recognizing the moment when your explanation is no longer serving anyone. It is difficult for us to stop. It seems to us that if we remain silent, the other person will think they are right. If we walk away, we will look weak. We have heard the expression “don’t let the other person have the last word” so often that sometimes we sacrifice an entire evening just to have that word.
But what have you gained if you left the heated debate, spoke badly to people, and took that anger with you to bed? How much is a “victory” worth that you continue to pay for even after the conversation is over? Over the years, you learn that being right and being heard are two different things. You may regret the honesty of your words, the arguments you bring, and the respect with which you speak. The other person’s willingness to understand remains their responsibility. This also requires honesty with yourself. There are people who rightly oppose you. There are criticisms that hurt precisely because they touch on something that you need to change. Maturity requires listening to them. But it also requires distinguishing when a conversation is helping you see more clearly and when it is simply holding you hostage in the same circle of accusations and explanations.
You don’t have to turn your life into an endless defense of yourself. You don’t have to answer every sneer, refute every assumption, or convince everyone who you are. People who want to know you will also see your actions. They will ask you questions. They will let you finish a sentence. Save your words for conversations where there is room for both of you. For people who can say, “Maybe I’m wrong,” and who will give you the space to say it too. And when you realize that an argument has run its course, allow yourself to say, “I’ve said what I think. I have nothing more to add.”
Then continue your day.
The last word can be left to someone else. Let your day be yours.